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ALEX STAROPOLI and what you’ve been doing wrong all this time!

I opened my inbox today to delete the usual 2 or 3 spam messages about enlarging my penis when I noticed a startling e-mail, from motherfucking Alex Staropoli himself.
Yes my friends, it was really him. The legendary Keys Player of Doom had written to thank me for my loyalty as a Rhapsody of Fire fan, because through their music they feel a special connection with me.

Alongside writing amazing music he tells me he’s discovered a new passion for helping out bands that are starting out. So in this spirit he’s teamed up with HolyHell guitar player and music career mentor Tom Hess (???) to offer me the ultimate guide to making it in the biz: “Becoming Unforgettable – A Rock Band’s Guide To Image And Branding”.

On that page you will find (along with ordering info) the “9 Deadly Mistakes You Should Avoid To Make Your Rock Band A Big Success”. Most talk about the usual stuff about labels, image and promotion, but mistake #7 struck a resonant chord with me:

Most bands falsely believe that the number of ‘fans’ they have is the holy grail for success. The fact is, it is not the number of ‘fans’ which matters most, it’s the number of FANATICS which will contribute more directly to your success (or lack of it). Bands need to focus more effort on converting existing fans into raving fanatics of the band.

That’s what we’re missing in Metalscape I think. Sure we have some listeners who we might call “fans”, but what we really need are absolutely batshit crazy fanatics. The kind that will give us thousands of dollars just because we’re awesome. Men who would give their lives in the name of Metalscape, women who would throw themselves at us in demented lust. That would really elevate the show to a whole new level. It would also be super awesome.

Anyway, Alex’s tips may not readily apply to podcasts, but I’m sure all you sports fans out there who are in bands might find some wisdom in his guide. Apparently a lot of people have, since there’s a list on that page that features the roster of artists that have been mentored by this Tom Hess guy, none of which I have ever heard of before in my life (except for Rusty Cooley, and if a name like that doesn’t get you attention I don’t know what will).

Look for their ad in “Dragon Rider” magazine.

3 Responses to “ALEX STAROPOLI and what you’ve been doing wrong all this time!”
  • Gangland says:

    Its simple! All you have to do is take off your cloths and shit onstage, then when you’ve had enough OD on heroin.

    Its full proof! No matter how much you suck!

  • Fraser Watt says:

    Tom Hess was the dude who Luca Turilli did his Neoclassical Guitar Meistro shit with. If I had more money and a band I’d probably check this out.

  • Fraser Watt says:

    Actually, fuck that. When is Staropoli going to come out with a “Neoclassical Keyboard Maestro” course?!

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