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At The Edge of Maybe I’ll like this one?

Blind Guardian always seemed like one of those bands I ought to like. After all, I’m a fan of pretty much every other big name power metal outfit (except the palm mute fest that is Iced Earth; Seriously guys, it doesn’t sound cool anymore if that’s all you do in a song), and Blind Guardian being one of the biggest it should be a given for me. But it’s not.

Why not you ask? Well, even though most of the time there are no rational reasons behind my hatred for certain things (like people who wear caps indoors), I have a particular list of items that compose my diagnosed dislike for this band. First off is the sound itself. It seems that whoever produces their albums has a passionate hatred for the high end side of the sonic spectrum, seeing as every Blind Guardian album sounds like every frequency above 10k Hz was nuked to oblivion. Secondly, there’s the guitar tone and harmonies. Why is it that this band’s guitar solos sound like some sort of Jordan Rudess-rejected synthesizer patch? It’s even worse when they do their godawful harmonies in which they love to throw these string bends that sound like someone’s choking an 8 bit sound cat sample. Take a listen to some proper guitar sound guys, stuff like Stratovarius or Angra, hear the difference? That’s what you call tone. And third and last, there’s the big issue of the music itself. Boring, uninspired, generic. I don’t really get how some people love this band to death when they have such plain-jane vanilla compositions. That one song from “Nightfall” is cool (don’t remember the name), but that’s it. This rational hatred is the best kind though (or the worse, depending on your point of view), because as rational as it got construed, it can equally be brought down.

That’s why I gave this new Blind Guardian album, “At the Edge of Time” the benefit of the doubt. It got exciting reviews all around, some people calling it “their best since ‘Nightfall’ ” and stuff. So I went ahead and listened to it, in hopes that I might join in what countless others were already basking in. But, as you may have already guessed by now, it didn’t go down that way. The entire preceding paragraph still holds true for this newest Blind Guardian album. More to the point: It sucks. Boring, tedious and terrible sounding. Listening to this album is like being dragged with a rope tied around your arms by a confused donkey along an endless stretch of desert while some asshole dressed in a court jester outfit sitting atop your head farts on your right ear.

I was going to write a review for this, but I decided against it since I can’t really review an album which draws absolutely no interest from me. Fuck it.

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