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Metalscape Quickie Reviews: “Predators” and “A Nightmare on Elm Street”

Movie reviews? On Metalscape? You bet your ass.


Predators:
It’s a fun movie. The intro is pretty cool, helps you relate to the characters because you don’t know what the fuck is going on either. You got the original jungle setting and military dudes freaking out. The whole “we’re being hunted” thing is done alright. I do have a problem with Laurence Fishburne being a survival badass while also being a fatass. Also, Adrien Brody is now an action hero? Are we being serious here? Another thing that bugged me was that the Yakuza dude killed a predator with a sword. I mean I guess being japanese and all he might know his way around with a sword, but that doesn’t mean he’s a hardened modern day fucking samurai. And to kill a Predator with a blade? That must’ve been the pansiest Predator of all Predatoria (their home planet, look it up). The dude died too so I guess it’s not that lame.

Also, when the fuck are these predators gonna get some sort of device that allows them to see in a more conventional light spectrum? This infrared stuff is all nice and cool but when someone starts a big fire/gets covered in mud, it all goes to shit. Here you have the most fierce hunter on the universe and he can’t see his prey worth a shit because it covered its face with mud. Good going there guys.


Elm Street:
“-We got a young teen with a series of 4 inch deep cuts all along her torso starting from her neck and ending near her vagina. We found the culprit; This 18 year old kid was cowering in fear near her, he must have hidden the knife up his ass because we, the average United States of America police force, responded to some random neighbor’s call about some kid walking down a sidewalk in less than 20 seconds. Actually scratch that, I think we may even have arrived on the scene in like 16 seconds. Damn we’re good. I’m actually surprised a little bit there. Anyway, we got 14 squad cars on his ass and arrested this crazy killer kid who most definitely committed the most gruesome murder we’ve ever seen in the history of this piece of shit town. Well maybe that one time where a bunch of parents chased down a janitor in their cars and burned him alive is not too far off, but since back then we just didn’t give a shit about murder and the parents simply walked away, we can just assume it never happened.”

“-That’s odd, that same kid you brought in got his chest hollowed out somehow in about 10 minutes after you locked him up. Isn’t that just fucking weird?”

“-Fucking kids.”

“-No but seriously, that shit’s just weird. Don’t you think something else may be going on here?”

“-Nope. Let’s just go about our day like nothing happened. Let’s not interview anyone, let’s not put some detectives on the case, let’s not run any forensics on these bodies, let’s not demonstrate the least sign of standard police protocol. It’s probably just hormones, you know how these crazy kids are.”

The spooky parts are predictable, the characters are pretty shallow and the plot doesn’t make sense. Also, is it weird that I find this kid’s face more disturbing than Freddy’s?

Fucking unnerving I tell you.

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