They say knowing is half the battle, and as such, I’ve begun to formulate some theories as to who may be behind these attacks. What? You thought this was just a random infection? The hell it is, there’s people who’ve been wanting to bring us down for years. But the question is who? Read on to find out just who may be involved in this…

LIST OF POSSIBLE CULPRITS:

Reptilian Shapeshifters

Going to bed with this every night? I feel you Bill.

It is by now no secret that our planet’s governments and policing entities are merely a facade to hide the true rulers of this world: The Reptilians. These evil space lizards have enslaved mankind since the beginning of time and plan to keep their choke hold on humanity for as long as they can. Since we at Metalscape have been exposing their true identity and evil plans for the better part of 4 years now, we have become their sworn enemies, and they will stop at nothing to see us destroyed. Spyware? Bring it on alien motherfuckers.

Talking Metal

One of these is a host of the show, can't really tell which.

The most popular “metal” podcast among retards has hated us ever since we started broadcasting undiluted awesomeness over the internet. Their hatred only got bigger after Gangland’s little stunt over at their forums that got him and our glorious podcast mentioned on an episode of the testosterone-challenged show. We are a clear and present danger to them, since they know that at any moment one of their listeners might just listen to a Metalscape episode and realize that he’s been voluntarily allowing his ears to be sexually assaulted by Talking Metal on every single installment. And that one listener can turn into many. You’re gonna need a lot more viruses than this you Guns n’ Roses loving assholes.

Shure

Who said it wasn't?

You may not be familiar with Zach’s beef with Shure if you’re new to the show, and quite frankly I don’t remember it that well either. But the important thing is that ever since we here at Metalscape started the official Shure boycott, the boys over at one of the biggest names in audio have felt the impact. Their sales have probably been on a nose dive ever since and maybe just now they’re finding out it’s because of our boycott. I’ll tell you something, I’d rather have a pack of rabid African mongooses on LSD scratch my balls off than to ever use a Shure product for anything.

The Spanish

Official colors of motherfuckers

I fucking hate this country and every single person from it. I don’t think I have ever hated anything more in my life (well, maybe Korpiklaani). I’ve made this sentiment be heard on Metalscape episodes again and again, so it’s no surprise that this information got to filthy spaniard ears. And now they’re trying to get back at me with their computers. You’re gonna have to try harder than that fagbags!

I had to go to a new paragraph here to give you some time to assimilate/stop laughing at Rhapsody’s new album title. Seems like production and mixing duties will still be performed by the Luca-Alex duo and “valorous” friend of the band Sascha Paeth. In their official site, they comment on the theme of the new album, which will continue the amazing “Dark Secret Saga” and further Luca Turilli’s use of retarded imagination for concept music album purposes.

Now you may just be reading this sitting comfortably in front of your computer and think nothing more of it. But I see what’s really going on…

These motherfuckers at Nuclear Blast are simply a part of the great Reptilian system that controls our world, and they’re doing their part by absorbing every single metal band on the planet. And when they do the entirety of metaldom will be at the mercy of a single entity.

One Label to rule them all, One Label to find them, One Label to bring them all and in the darkness bind them.

But fear not my beloved metal kin, for Metalscape will not lie on the ground and allow itself to get run over by these monsters. Zach’s infiltration into the US armed forces is only the beginning of our counter strike. If you want to support the cause and show these fuckers you will not bow down to them, you can do so by wearing the Colors of Truth.